Affirm Your Spouse

Delivering words that build up will produce a powerful impact in your marriage

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove’s eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, going down from Mount Gilead. Song of Solomon 4:1

In Song of Solomon chapter 4, we see one of the most affirming messages from a husband to a wife. Solomon, to his Shulamite wife, affirms her in every area by pointing out what is appealing to him. He is doing this on his wedding night as they prepare to consummate their vows. Instead of giving her some cheesy line, he decides to build her up by pointing out what he loves.

He calls her fair, even though her skin has been darkened by working in the sun. There are references to doves, goats, and pomegranates. There is not an aspect of her beauty that he doesn’t address. Many of the compliments he gives her wouldn’t fly today, but were culturally appropriate back then. The point is that he is verbally telling her how much he loves her. There isn’t a piece of her that he doesn’t like.

Now, understand this is poetry. Part of it is meant to exaggerate to prove a point. Hearing that your neck is like a mighty fortress or your teeth like fresh-shorn sheep might go a bit far, but it gets its point across. Solomon hits it on the head on what it means to affirm his wife. We can learn a lot from what it means to love your spouse. He is not afraid to shower his wife with compliments.

Marriages slowly die because we stop affirming one another. Affirming means to point out what is good and beautiful. If we can’t do that with our husband or wife, it is probably a sign that something is wrong. Bitterness or pain that has been suppressed for a long time can dam up our feelings, and it will take serious action to unleash and address them. Left alone, people will slowly die from within, or turn it around and become critical of the other person.

If you have an aversion to affirming your spouse, you need to discover why and address it. Once that is done, you need to start. Don’t be cheesy or funny. Be serious and sincere. Tell them what you appreciate and admire. Don’t get discouraged if it isn’t received well at first. They have to learn how to accept it, just like you have to learn how to give it. Both sides will improve with practice. With consistent effort, you will start to see a marked change in you. Giving and receiving affirmation from the one you love does a powerful work on your heart. Don’t deny this powerful tool in your marriage.